Love, Faith, Culture & Marriage

Lasting marriage is the goal at Blessed Dates. 

 You’re looking to get married – for good – and God wants that for you, too.  

You are a Christian who wants to get married.  And, you are a Christian who wants to stay that way the rest of your life.  You’re not just talking it, you’re walking your Faith and it takes great strength.  You hope that a focus on God will bring you to where you want to be with a future mate, and right you are. This isn’t a time when you want to rush in creating your profile – and, if you really concentrate on being accurate about yourself -- using the FSS System, you can expect incredible results when you’re done. 

No other website has attempted to match people this way, and we see it as the most critical aspect of a marriage; your relationship to Christ. How you both embrace your Faith has everything to do with how you relate to, and regard each other, as fellow Christians.

What you’ll find is that if you spend the few minutes it takes to create your own Faith Statement, that is as unique as a snowflake – and hopefully as pure – you’ll find your own perfect match. A lthough there is “automated matching” – here at Blessed Dates, we encourage you to do your own personal matching.  Because you and God are the only ones that know what you really want and need in a marriage partner. 

It's not feelings as much as Faith

that makes a "great match".

You've got to focus on *what works on paper* before you ever decide what's happening with your heart, and especially, your body.  What do we mean?  On paper, he/she should be substantially all the things you wished for; healthy, wise, and attractive – and most of all a man or woman who loves Jesus – the "top ten" list items are there.  Suddenly you find your heart beating fast!  Love has amazing effects on every part of us.

This is where most people stumble. 

Either by stumbling emotionally – or if it’s physical too – then both you, and your intended, might feel an "imbalance" where one of you feels differently about the relationship than the other. Or, you might experience the pain of guilt, might feel blame toward each other, and may have removed something you cannot replace.  On top of it all, if it ends, it's going to be extra painful because you got this close, and failed. This is why we ask you to "hold on" and wait, not putting too much of your heart into every single encouter. If you think it’s worth it, and you break God's Law or allow yourself too much intimacy too soon, remember that someone told you to respect God along the way. Know this: God didn’t make these commandments and requests of you arbitrarily nor frivolously. Our Heavenly Father really DOES know what’s best for you, loves you without reservation, and wants you to remain pure so that your heart cannot be broken as much, or for as long, as it would be if you were physically intimate sooner than a total commitment. Trust us there, the physical leads to another level of intimacy that is very painful when it’s lost.  If you honestly feel you must do this, at least know what you’re going to trade it for. and the risks that you are taking.

The worst stumble is being in a rush

and getting a mismatch.

Don’t let feelings for a person you don’t truly know, get you rushing your lifetime decision so that you find yourself willing to sweep major problems and SIGNS of problems under the rug. I've seen it too many times; for every divorce I have counseled, someone says… “You know, the sign was there right from the start.  I stupidly ignored it.”  - L. McCormick, Founder

Hormones and the desire to bond can make us ignore big signs.  “Love is blind” is this phenomenon, we’re sure you know what it is.  We’re saying to keep your eyes open, don’t fall in love – PLAN to love someone great, truly great, that deserves your affection. We are encouraging you to keep your eyes on the prize.

How can we suggest these things that we do, that “love” should be “a “planned commitment” and not some accidental “falling” in love?  Because we know if you can fall in, you can fall out.  If you CHOOSE this person carefully, you don’t have a reason to fall out; you find more and more each day what you love about him or her.

Culture has a tremendous impact on your future marriage - and how long it might last.

Here’s an  typical example from the good ol’ USA.…

If you’re from the Western parts of the United States, and truly love it – it’s likely going to be hard to move east.  People talk differently, dress differently, think differently, and believe differently – eat differently – everything you can imagine has a twist if you’re from a long distance. It feels like another planet to some!  And eventually, many get homesick and for some, it overpowers them – and they wind up going home with divorce papers in one hand.  We’ve seen too much of this phenomenon.

It’s called “culture shock”, and we’ll discuss more of this a little later.  But basically, the idea is this: Many people try and fail at challenging the power of one’s original “culture”.  Culture is so imbedded in the human brain, it is what we literally filter the entire world through, in terms of perception – and with what we decide is appropriate reaction, to what we perceive.  It’s too powerful of a force when cultures are opposed; however, we aren’t the ones to say, “Love doesn’t conquer all” – because we believe through Christ it can.  We are saying, however, that it’s a very difficult hurdle, rather a whole set of hurdles that can turn into a real battle, to be intimate and committed to someone whose values, perceptions, reactions, opinions, beliefs about life, and other assorted aspects of culture are different from yours.  It’s wise to seek someone with whom you share all these things, and not just a love of say, books, sunsets, and Mexican food.

In the same locations you find similar cultures, you will find similar educational levels, socioeconomic levels, and even similar religions and moral beliefs. Similiar humor. Similar mating rituatls. This is powerful glue for long term matching.  And although other cultures are wonderful to “visit” in learning about other people, hooking up for a lifetime requires a foundation of similar references in order to have more of a chance to really last for the long haul beyond the bedroom.

What to watch for? Common culture and disparate personality types. 

“Opposites attract; then they marry and drive each other crazy.” - Anon

There’s a lot of truth in “opposites” – they do “balance” in personality; this can bei one of the factors that leads to long-term successful marriages.  He’s laid back; she’s excitable; he’s quiet, she’s a good communicator.  Maybe he’s got a penchant for cooking, and she likes to eat.  There’s a wonderful balance between married partners that are well matched.

On the other hand, you want COMMON culture, that’s as important, or an even more powerful attribute, to lasting marriages.

This is why people do well better from the same locations, because they tend to share the same culture; they have similar value systems, educational levels, faiths, and even occupations, musical tastes, and hobbies.  That’s a WHALE of stuff to share!  The same jokes to laugh at, the same issues to believe are important; the things that make us mad, sad, or glad.

The foundation of what is “right and wrong” basically is founded in our culture, too.  And as you can imagine, that’s critical for any marriage to last two minutes.

When people start getting frustrated looking in their local area, they assume they’ve got to look elsewhere. Some go too far; in fact, all the way to Russia and the Philippines, for example. This is the mark of desperation in looking for a spouse online, in our humble opinion, it's impatient and can lead to disaster by moving into another culture; although we have known plenty of couples who managed to do it, it's a tough road.  It's possible, sure, but make no mistake, choosing someone with a culture difference means somebody’s going to go through more than just a little “culture shock”. We have found the majority of people who choose to marry outside their culture most times aren't nearly as happy, and struggle far more in their relationships, than people who marry inside their own culture. That being said, through Christ all is possible! So we are not here to say what you should, or shouldn't do, but make you aware of the risks and benefits. There are many countries represented inside Blessed Dates, among the members, and lots of cultures different from your own.

The "Double Whammy": Culture & Distance.

As we just said, our observation is when people marry outside their culture – it’s a tremendous added pressure on the relationship. Add to this, if you're not in the same city, then it's on top of the factors of long-distance relationships - and those are naturally difficult for many reasons right from the outset. For example, you both are always putting the best foot forward in any new relaionship; if you are from different cities, you'll actually get away with it, and be able to hide anything "impromptu" in observing you - thereby removing the spontenaeity and the human flaws that make up the seduction process. She won't see you rescuring that kitten from a tree or a little greasy from under your car doing an oil change. And he won't see you with a clay mask when you answer the door, or sweetly helping an injured neighbor get their groceries.

The pressure of long distance distance (which is bigger than most people think) can break up couples who are not rock solid. So consider it a 'double whammy' when you travel to meet a "date". Remember also, because it is so large, even within the USA, a number of different cultures exist.  Don't thiink you're on "safe turf" because it's "America". Theres the East, South, West and Northwest cultures, on top of such rare culture as Los Angeles, San Francisco, Miami, Austin - they're all different, each one. That's why when people start to consider finding other potential mates in other countries such as in Europe or Asia, and for other Christians overseas, we suggest to folks they remember the way the people in other countries' see us - the United States is a “different culture” from their own. The problem here is that the cultures sometimes start to “clash” when they don't agree in how we do things here at home.  They get “culture shock” too, if they come here to be with you; and it makes anyone long for home. Watch out; that can be a powerful motivator to leave.  Odds of success go down when you do this.  So think about trying to be patient and look primarily in your own culture and location. Emotions can overwhelm commitment and it’s possible you could wind up alone again. Not good. So think carefully about long distance.

For more details, see: “Mr. & Mrs. Lilly” in the Advice section on “Long Distance Marriage”.